You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
