Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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