my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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