You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
