I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
