Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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