I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
