Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
