How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
