i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
