Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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