I'm gonna have a badass scar
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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