it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
