I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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