Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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