Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
