Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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