I accidentally had phone sex last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
