Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
