good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
