i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
