JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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