i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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