my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
