why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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