You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
