I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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