see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
