girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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