The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
