Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
