i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
