Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
