i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
