she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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