i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
