I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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