I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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