she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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