I can tuck mytits in my pants
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
