It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
