apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he was CRYING into my vagina
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
