Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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