My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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