i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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