Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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