My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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