Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You need Xanax blowdarts
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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