I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
