Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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