New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
