All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
