And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
