I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
