Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
