if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
